I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
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