you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
