Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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