i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
