Having a random hookup so left but love u
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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