And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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