She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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