i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
