This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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