Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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