Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
