I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He passed out mid-signature
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
