Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize