You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
