I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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