My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
