so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
