Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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