Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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