He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
