Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
this beer tastes like vomit already
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
