Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
