Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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