you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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