I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
