Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
