see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
