Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
