Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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