There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
