I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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