Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
