He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
