dude i'm inner monologue high
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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