you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
did you just send me my own nude
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
