don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
