I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
