i just sent this text using only my big toe
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
