I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
