shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
So drunk its hurt
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
50% drunk capacity currently
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
