this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Drunk is a universal language darling
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
