god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
