If i come over, it means nothing
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
