so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
