Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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