Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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