so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"