I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
