what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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