Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
