Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
