He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
