I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
