Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
