I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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