she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
