9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
