So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
