Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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