I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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